This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
