Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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