Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
