just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
