yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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