theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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