Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
