chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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