hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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