his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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