6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
