I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
