i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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