I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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