Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
