I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
