Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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