dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
