Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
