I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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