where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
