The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
