we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
