i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
