Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I party with great urgency now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
