This dress was meant to end up on your floor
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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