:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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