I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I want to be your penis for a week.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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