You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
