I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
