is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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