david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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