And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So much rum. So many feels.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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