Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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