I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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