i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
