Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize