remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
