When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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