can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
