how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
