i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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