She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
