if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
