well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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