She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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