Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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