take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Holy sore nipples Batman
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
