You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize