i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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