I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
