Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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