Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
