my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
