It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
