honey bunches of taint.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
