when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
