I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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