duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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