I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
